whats with the behavior

my daughter was finding different excuses for noit going to kindergarten, in case she goes, then she wasnt ready to come back. Everyday, it used to be an ordeal and trauma for me, to get her ready for the school, and then get her ready to even come back....i wasnt really able to understand that if she is was not so much interested in going to school, then why so much fuss for coming back from there........

while coming in the bus, she started shouting for simple things, she sometimes cried all the way till home that i want yellow bus, and wasnt ready to come home in the bus which i use for communting.

then other day she cried, that she wants to wish bday to some girl in the school, and the girl isnt accepting her wishes.....

and everyday, it used to be situation, where everyone around me is staring at me, giving me expressions of how they are irritated with luad crying continuously int he bus or bus stop.

Everyday , i went to pick her up, she used to push me away, infront of everyone, she was literally kicking me away.

this was good enough experiences for me to come to the conclusion that she is testing me, and I must discipline her, teach her how to behave with me or there is problem with kindergarten, what she is learning there etc etc.......in hurry, i decided to take out my child from the current kindergarten and put her in new one. Told her nicely first to behave good and when she didnt cooperate, I even shouted at her once....it was an embarassing situation for me to handle in public places...she crying and misbehaving with me.

but suddenly, one day I saw one father shouting on his child, and child crying. and I was taken back.....the thought that immidiately came into my mind, was why the hell he is shouting and scolding the child so rudely......and there i knew what i was doing the with my child.

Though I may not shoute at her all the time, what I was giving her was anapporval of her behavior, but actually i was rejecting her feelings. I was just trying to correct her behavior rather than accepting her feelings....

u may wonder, what feelings will u accept when child is crying for yellow color bus rather than going home in usual bus.....

but yes, that was the observation very superficial.....I had to change the frame of mind comepltely...I had to forget that I am her mother, but I myself is the child. I had to keep aside all my understanding and wisdom aside, and put myself in her shoes.....

now here is what i see wen I change the persepctive. And I realised few things.
1. The kindergarten was new for her, even though 2 months had passed, she is facing too many changes in her life.
2. the weather had changed totally, which she isnt used to, its way too cold here as opposed to in india.
3. All her friends had changed, all faces are new, look very different that her old friends, culture is totally different, accent is different.
4. Her home had changed after shifting to germany, at home also , everything other than parents was new.
5. then i remembered the yellow bus incidence, one of her new friends went into the bus before us which has adv on it, majorly in yellow color. And she had yellow bus as toy in india with the song wheels on the bus.
and may be she could related to the bus more and felt that yellow bus was the right thing for her.

She was undergoing so many changes in one go, she isnot even able to express her feelings about everything yet, its obvious that her frustrations, feeling of insecurity, feeling of diificulty in coping with the change was the reason for her not understandable and non acceptable behavior.

Most importantly, then I thought, when was last time, that i had to go through so many changes.
and i remembered, when i got married, everything changed suddenly, I too had difficult time to cope up with new family, learn cooking, managing office, managing in laws.......and i was 26 , i had developed awareness of my feelings, and knew how to express them, when i faced so many changes.....and was still uncomfortable initially.

then 2nd change, was during pregnancy, when the body was undergoing so many changes, changing relations with ppl around me, change in the project in the office, i too was moody and very sensitive that time....every small thing used to hurt me........

and my kid is going through so many changes, which is much more than that i had gone through in recent times, she was much more younger than me to express her fgeelings and what I am doing is to correct her behavior and in that attempt reject her feelings..........

and then..........................i stopeed worrying abt her behavior, made it clear in mind that kid is going to behave as kid, what I can give her, is acceptance for her feelings, respect for her feelings. I am not going to correct behavior, that she would learn on her own how ot manage.....if I concentrate on behavior, I loose the focus from intensions and feelings.....I will do my job, and give her choice to choose her behavior as she wants to. this kind of brought, all my anxietys down....i dont have to struggle correcting her.....now I am at peace, just acceptng the feelings, shwoing trust in her needs, and respecting her. and then began the real test......

next day, when she woke up, i didnt hurry up, then what became important is not time, but she. I gave her time, told her that we are getting ready for the kindergarten. she denied to get up from the bed. I said ok, she can sleep for some more time, may be 15 mins, and I will put alarm for the same. When the alarm rang, she snoozed it for another 5 mins....and this went on till my husband was getting late for office and decided that he isnt going to drop her, warning me that if i give her so much freedom, she may never goto kindergarten. but that didnt bother me, I knew he is worried, he needs to reach office in time and may be not in his best moods to understand. He left.

Then after some time, my daughter got bored in the bed, finally she got up, asked for breakfast, then saw that her father had already left, and she isnt going to kindergarten. here is the dialogue

Daughter (crying) : why did papa go ??? ask him to come back....
mom : He was getting late, u were not ready. Do u want to call up and tell him to wait for you next time.
daughter: No
mom : ok
daughter: I want to watch TV.
mom: sorry, i cant let u wantch tv right now. we have decided over evening program.
daughter: no, i want it now....cry...cry...cry
mom: u looked bored, shall we go out to the shop.
daughter: No , i want TV.
mom: I am so sorry. U looked so much mored and frustrated.
daughter: cry....yes.....and i want to wach tv...cry...shout...cry.....
mom: sorry darling, I am going out to the shop, do u want to come...
daughter: no.
mom: ok. i am getting ready. I must go.
I got ready. she had thrown all the clothes from cupboard by this time.
i saw the mess, but i decided to lie low.....that wasnt so much important to me at that time.
mom: would u like to come now. I am almost ready....
daughter: yes.
mom: then brush ur teeth and take bath.
daughter: No.
mom: ok, u r still feeling uncomfortable. comeon, then, get ready n wear clothes.
daughter: no, I want to wear this .
mom: but its too cold outside.
daughter: i dont want to change.
mom: ok. lets go n stand in balcony for 5-10 mins....and then u decide what u want to wear.
daughter: ok.
initially she denied that she is feeling cold, but after 5 mins, she coiuld feel it.
mom: if u r feeling cold, we can go inside and wear winter clothes.
daughter: we will go inside.
mom: so shall i give another clothes
daughter: no, i will wear sweater on these clothes itself.
mom: ok.
we got ready in the night dress itself, wearing pullover and jacket on it.
now we are the door, then i remembered, i must make her ready for next situation as what she can expect in the shop.
mom: Now tell me, what are you going to buy in the shop.
daughter: chips
mom: ok. and I am going to buy curd n potatoes.
daughter: and chocolates too...
mom; ok, I will add this to my list too. anything else?
daughter: no.

we went to the shop, bought curd, potatoes, chip and chocolates, then she saw biscuits.
daughter: i want biscuits.
mom: no, we have decided to buy chocolate and chips
daughter: I want biscuits
mom: ok, then u can keep chips back and take biscuits.
daughter: no, i want chips. I dont want chocolate.
mom: ok.

came home. no lunch, she ate biscuits and lil bit of chips.
then we played for some time, she taking lead.

next day
mom: dear get up, papa going to office, he can drop u on the way to kindergarten.
daughter: no , i dont want to go.
mom: u may want to think over again, today i may not able to play with u. I have got some other work to do.
daughter: ok, i will go. got ready and went to kindergarten.
I went to pick her up, she showed me her painting. again wasnt ready to come back though. Her teacher interefered, explained her that its time to go home. and then she was ready...first time, we came home without crying......

there were few days falling back to the same thing, and things got settled after a month.
U may think, that I am crazy mom and have lot of free time.

but i guess, this time spent was worth, to reduce the pain and time wasted in future . :)

there are few points, u must be wonderign abt...like why did i allow her to change things to buy, why did i allow her not to brush teeth, isnt it important.

yes, all that is important and I am going to be firm on these things in future but i have set priorities, what i wanted most that time was getting her comfort level and these small small things, can be corrected later, one by one during course of time. I didnt want too many changes, too many behavior corrections , rather i didnt want to do any behavior corrections that point of time

decide, whats most important, and save ur energy on the route cause of the problem rather than spending it on every small thing.

In all this what i learned , which i had actually read but used it , is: she didnt need any solution, what she wanted was to become aware of her feelings, acceptance for them and little time.
She found her friends down the line on her own, she could enjoy coming back home in the bus, i didnt had to do anything....what i had to do was , not to add to the problem with my disciplinary strategies, she herself corrected her behavior after her anxiety;s came down. I never taught her how to behave.

things to learn:
accept feelings and intensions even though u dont agree to the behavior.
prepare them beforehand, what to expect.
respect them.