Today i was very much tired of mess that is created by my daughter in the house. Now I want to take up this issue, its my need that I need to have things organised and to be kept back in its place after use. And I get overloaded with work (or my husband would get overloaded with clean up after coming from office). And I choose not to do it often as I do not want to hurt my back, I am already having slipped disc problem.
to look at this problem, I have 2 approaches.
1st persepctive : Its my belief that cleaning up often things from ground is painful and my back is suffering. and in that, I do not want to do clean up of things which are not even on ground, but are lying on sofa or bed.
Break belief: I can very well bend in knees, and clean up things. Its more hardwork, which will also make me lose some more calories, in turn reduced pressure on back. Now with this, 1st thing thats happening with me is: I am relaxed before I go and express my needs to my daughter.
2nd persepctive : This is also a belief that my daughter is taking me for granted, or is not trained to behave and organize.
Break belief: I have seen her doing things responsibally with her other friends or in kindergarten. So there is lack of motivation at home in cleaning up. May be its just my constant instructions that is frustrating her.
Taking it further in reality.
Yesterday I picked her from the kindergarten. I brought her home. I was clear in my mind about my belifs and had broken myself free from those which are interfering.
1st thing that I observed was, I didnt had to tell her anything. I changed my clothes, put them in hanger. I asked her if she wants to do it herself or she wants to do on her own. Quick response was, I will do. She did a good job, she needed some changes, she wanted to keep her clothes in another cupboard with different color hangers. I allowed her and she did it interestingly.
Next I wanted her to keep her shoes back in shoe rack. But she started playing with the ball. Then i remembered, I havent kept mine too as they were wet because of rain. Now this is how it went.
Mom: I am going to keep my shoes in place. Do u want to accompany me to keep yours.
daughter : No. I want to play balloon. U also play with me.
Mom: Ok. I will join u in a minute. I need to keep my shoes first.
We started playing but I was uncomfortable that her shoes are skill lying there. So I told her,
Mom: May be that U are getting irritated with my instructions all the time. but
Mom: I have a problem. I am getting bothered with the shoes lying on the floor. My need is to keep the house clean by putting things back in place after use. Can u help me in this?
Daughter: ok. U dont go anywhere. Dont come and follow me . I will keep n see.
mom:0k.
daughter: am back, lets play now.
and we played again.
Things to note: this is just one example, to have this as habbit to be instilled in me n her, we both need to work on this, we both need to look at the advantages and disadvantages of doing it or by not doing it. So that we both have motivation to do it.
But u can notice that, when I expressed, her about this, I just mentioned my need. I didnt blame her. I didnt gave her lecture on whats right or whats wrong. And had she not helped me , I would have gone n done it on my own and continue playing (remember my first belief). I didnt want to put any pressure of the act, I do not want her to feel guilty if she has not done it. Its just my need that I have to do it. If she is willing to help, she can.
Well, this needs to be proven in many more situations to come to the conclusion. Thoguh I firmly belive in Nonviolent communication parenting, I must experiment more n more. This time it worked with just 2 dialogues. We can do many experiments to see how it works.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
whats with the behavior
my daughter was finding different excuses for noit going to kindergarten, in case she goes, then she wasnt ready to come back. Everyday, it used to be an ordeal and trauma for me, to get her ready for the school, and then get her ready to even come back....i wasnt really able to understand that if she is was not so much interested in going to school, then why so much fuss for coming back from there........
while coming in the bus, she started shouting for simple things, she sometimes cried all the way till home that i want yellow bus, and wasnt ready to come home in the bus which i use for communting.
then other day she cried, that she wants to wish bday to some girl in the school, and the girl isnt accepting her wishes.....
and everyday, it used to be situation, where everyone around me is staring at me, giving me expressions of how they are irritated with luad crying continuously int he bus or bus stop.
Everyday , i went to pick her up, she used to push me away, infront of everyone, she was literally kicking me away.
this was good enough experiences for me to come to the conclusion that she is testing me, and I must discipline her, teach her how to behave with me or there is problem with kindergarten, what she is learning there etc etc.......in hurry, i decided to take out my child from the current kindergarten and put her in new one. Told her nicely first to behave good and when she didnt cooperate, I even shouted at her once....it was an embarassing situation for me to handle in public places...she crying and misbehaving with me.
but suddenly, one day I saw one father shouting on his child, and child crying. and I was taken back.....the thought that immidiately came into my mind, was why the hell he is shouting and scolding the child so rudely......and there i knew what i was doing the with my child.
Though I may not shoute at her all the time, what I was giving her was anapporval of her behavior, but actually i was rejecting her feelings. I was just trying to correct her behavior rather than accepting her feelings....
u may wonder, what feelings will u accept when child is crying for yellow color bus rather than going home in usual bus.....
but yes, that was the observation very superficial.....I had to change the frame of mind comepltely...I had to forget that I am her mother, but I myself is the child. I had to keep aside all my understanding and wisdom aside, and put myself in her shoes.....
now here is what i see wen I change the persepctive. And I realised few things.
1. The kindergarten was new for her, even though 2 months had passed, she is facing too many changes in her life.
2. the weather had changed totally, which she isnt used to, its way too cold here as opposed to in india.
3. All her friends had changed, all faces are new, look very different that her old friends, culture is totally different, accent is different.
4. Her home had changed after shifting to germany, at home also , everything other than parents was new.
5. then i remembered the yellow bus incidence, one of her new friends went into the bus before us which has adv on it, majorly in yellow color. And she had yellow bus as toy in india with the song wheels on the bus.
and may be she could related to the bus more and felt that yellow bus was the right thing for her.
She was undergoing so many changes in one go, she isnot even able to express her feelings about everything yet, its obvious that her frustrations, feeling of insecurity, feeling of diificulty in coping with the change was the reason for her not understandable and non acceptable behavior.
Most importantly, then I thought, when was last time, that i had to go through so many changes.
and i remembered, when i got married, everything changed suddenly, I too had difficult time to cope up with new family, learn cooking, managing office, managing in laws.......and i was 26 , i had developed awareness of my feelings, and knew how to express them, when i faced so many changes.....and was still uncomfortable initially.
then 2nd change, was during pregnancy, when the body was undergoing so many changes, changing relations with ppl around me, change in the project in the office, i too was moody and very sensitive that time....every small thing used to hurt me........
and my kid is going through so many changes, which is much more than that i had gone through in recent times, she was much more younger than me to express her fgeelings and what I am doing is to correct her behavior and in that attempt reject her feelings..........
and then..........................i stopeed worrying abt her behavior, made it clear in mind that kid is going to behave as kid, what I can give her, is acceptance for her feelings, respect for her feelings. I am not going to correct behavior, that she would learn on her own how ot manage.....if I concentrate on behavior, I loose the focus from intensions and feelings.....I will do my job, and give her choice to choose her behavior as she wants to. this kind of brought, all my anxietys down....i dont have to struggle correcting her.....now I am at peace, just acceptng the feelings, shwoing trust in her needs, and respecting her. and then began the real test......
next day, when she woke up, i didnt hurry up, then what became important is not time, but she. I gave her time, told her that we are getting ready for the kindergarten. she denied to get up from the bed. I said ok, she can sleep for some more time, may be 15 mins, and I will put alarm for the same. When the alarm rang, she snoozed it for another 5 mins....and this went on till my husband was getting late for office and decided that he isnt going to drop her, warning me that if i give her so much freedom, she may never goto kindergarten. but that didnt bother me, I knew he is worried, he needs to reach office in time and may be not in his best moods to understand. He left.
Then after some time, my daughter got bored in the bed, finally she got up, asked for breakfast, then saw that her father had already left, and she isnt going to kindergarten. here is the dialogue
Daughter (crying) : why did papa go ??? ask him to come back....
mom : He was getting late, u were not ready. Do u want to call up and tell him to wait for you next time.
daughter: No
mom : ok
daughter: I want to watch TV.
mom: sorry, i cant let u wantch tv right now. we have decided over evening program.
daughter: no, i want it now....cry...cry...cry
mom: u looked bored, shall we go out to the shop.
daughter: No , i want TV.
mom: I am so sorry. U looked so much mored and frustrated.
daughter: cry....yes.....and i want to wach tv...cry...shout...cry.....
mom: sorry darling, I am going out to the shop, do u want to come...
daughter: no.
mom: ok. i am getting ready. I must go.
I got ready. she had thrown all the clothes from cupboard by this time.
i saw the mess, but i decided to lie low.....that wasnt so much important to me at that time.
mom: would u like to come now. I am almost ready....
daughter: yes.
mom: then brush ur teeth and take bath.
daughter: No.
mom: ok, u r still feeling uncomfortable. comeon, then, get ready n wear clothes.
daughter: no, I want to wear this .
mom: but its too cold outside.
daughter: i dont want to change.
mom: ok. lets go n stand in balcony for 5-10 mins....and then u decide what u want to wear.
daughter: ok.
initially she denied that she is feeling cold, but after 5 mins, she coiuld feel it.
mom: if u r feeling cold, we can go inside and wear winter clothes.
daughter: we will go inside.
mom: so shall i give another clothes
daughter: no, i will wear sweater on these clothes itself.
mom: ok.
we got ready in the night dress itself, wearing pullover and jacket on it.
now we are the door, then i remembered, i must make her ready for next situation as what she can expect in the shop.
mom: Now tell me, what are you going to buy in the shop.
daughter: chips
mom: ok. and I am going to buy curd n potatoes.
daughter: and chocolates too...
mom; ok, I will add this to my list too. anything else?
daughter: no.
we went to the shop, bought curd, potatoes, chip and chocolates, then she saw biscuits.
daughter: i want biscuits.
mom: no, we have decided to buy chocolate and chips
daughter: I want biscuits
mom: ok, then u can keep chips back and take biscuits.
daughter: no, i want chips. I dont want chocolate.
mom: ok.
came home. no lunch, she ate biscuits and lil bit of chips.
then we played for some time, she taking lead.
next day
mom: dear get up, papa going to office, he can drop u on the way to kindergarten.
daughter: no , i dont want to go.
mom: u may want to think over again, today i may not able to play with u. I have got some other work to do.
daughter: ok, i will go. got ready and went to kindergarten.
I went to pick her up, she showed me her painting. again wasnt ready to come back though. Her teacher interefered, explained her that its time to go home. and then she was ready...first time, we came home without crying......
there were few days falling back to the same thing, and things got settled after a month.
U may think, that I am crazy mom and have lot of free time.
but i guess, this time spent was worth, to reduce the pain and time wasted in future . :)
there are few points, u must be wonderign abt...like why did i allow her to change things to buy, why did i allow her not to brush teeth, isnt it important.
yes, all that is important and I am going to be firm on these things in future but i have set priorities, what i wanted most that time was getting her comfort level and these small small things, can be corrected later, one by one during course of time. I didnt want too many changes, too many behavior corrections , rather i didnt want to do any behavior corrections that point of time
decide, whats most important, and save ur energy on the route cause of the problem rather than spending it on every small thing.
In all this what i learned , which i had actually read but used it , is: she didnt need any solution, what she wanted was to become aware of her feelings, acceptance for them and little time.
She found her friends down the line on her own, she could enjoy coming back home in the bus, i didnt had to do anything....what i had to do was , not to add to the problem with my disciplinary strategies, she herself corrected her behavior after her anxiety;s came down. I never taught her how to behave.
things to learn:
accept feelings and intensions even though u dont agree to the behavior.
prepare them beforehand, what to expect.
respect them.
while coming in the bus, she started shouting for simple things, she sometimes cried all the way till home that i want yellow bus, and wasnt ready to come home in the bus which i use for communting.
then other day she cried, that she wants to wish bday to some girl in the school, and the girl isnt accepting her wishes.....
and everyday, it used to be situation, where everyone around me is staring at me, giving me expressions of how they are irritated with luad crying continuously int he bus or bus stop.
Everyday , i went to pick her up, she used to push me away, infront of everyone, she was literally kicking me away.
this was good enough experiences for me to come to the conclusion that she is testing me, and I must discipline her, teach her how to behave with me or there is problem with kindergarten, what she is learning there etc etc.......in hurry, i decided to take out my child from the current kindergarten and put her in new one. Told her nicely first to behave good and when she didnt cooperate, I even shouted at her once....it was an embarassing situation for me to handle in public places...she crying and misbehaving with me.
but suddenly, one day I saw one father shouting on his child, and child crying. and I was taken back.....the thought that immidiately came into my mind, was why the hell he is shouting and scolding the child so rudely......and there i knew what i was doing the with my child.
Though I may not shoute at her all the time, what I was giving her was anapporval of her behavior, but actually i was rejecting her feelings. I was just trying to correct her behavior rather than accepting her feelings....
u may wonder, what feelings will u accept when child is crying for yellow color bus rather than going home in usual bus.....
but yes, that was the observation very superficial.....I had to change the frame of mind comepltely...I had to forget that I am her mother, but I myself is the child. I had to keep aside all my understanding and wisdom aside, and put myself in her shoes.....
now here is what i see wen I change the persepctive. And I realised few things.
1. The kindergarten was new for her, even though 2 months had passed, she is facing too many changes in her life.
2. the weather had changed totally, which she isnt used to, its way too cold here as opposed to in india.
3. All her friends had changed, all faces are new, look very different that her old friends, culture is totally different, accent is different.
4. Her home had changed after shifting to germany, at home also , everything other than parents was new.
5. then i remembered the yellow bus incidence, one of her new friends went into the bus before us which has adv on it, majorly in yellow color. And she had yellow bus as toy in india with the song wheels on the bus.
and may be she could related to the bus more and felt that yellow bus was the right thing for her.
She was undergoing so many changes in one go, she isnot even able to express her feelings about everything yet, its obvious that her frustrations, feeling of insecurity, feeling of diificulty in coping with the change was the reason for her not understandable and non acceptable behavior.
Most importantly, then I thought, when was last time, that i had to go through so many changes.
and i remembered, when i got married, everything changed suddenly, I too had difficult time to cope up with new family, learn cooking, managing office, managing in laws.......and i was 26 , i had developed awareness of my feelings, and knew how to express them, when i faced so many changes.....and was still uncomfortable initially.
then 2nd change, was during pregnancy, when the body was undergoing so many changes, changing relations with ppl around me, change in the project in the office, i too was moody and very sensitive that time....every small thing used to hurt me........
and my kid is going through so many changes, which is much more than that i had gone through in recent times, she was much more younger than me to express her fgeelings and what I am doing is to correct her behavior and in that attempt reject her feelings..........
and then..........................i stopeed worrying abt her behavior, made it clear in mind that kid is going to behave as kid, what I can give her, is acceptance for her feelings, respect for her feelings. I am not going to correct behavior, that she would learn on her own how ot manage.....if I concentrate on behavior, I loose the focus from intensions and feelings.....I will do my job, and give her choice to choose her behavior as she wants to. this kind of brought, all my anxietys down....i dont have to struggle correcting her.....now I am at peace, just acceptng the feelings, shwoing trust in her needs, and respecting her. and then began the real test......
next day, when she woke up, i didnt hurry up, then what became important is not time, but she. I gave her time, told her that we are getting ready for the kindergarten. she denied to get up from the bed. I said ok, she can sleep for some more time, may be 15 mins, and I will put alarm for the same. When the alarm rang, she snoozed it for another 5 mins....and this went on till my husband was getting late for office and decided that he isnt going to drop her, warning me that if i give her so much freedom, she may never goto kindergarten. but that didnt bother me, I knew he is worried, he needs to reach office in time and may be not in his best moods to understand. He left.
Then after some time, my daughter got bored in the bed, finally she got up, asked for breakfast, then saw that her father had already left, and she isnt going to kindergarten. here is the dialogue
Daughter (crying) : why did papa go ??? ask him to come back....
mom : He was getting late, u were not ready. Do u want to call up and tell him to wait for you next time.
daughter: No
mom : ok
daughter: I want to watch TV.
mom: sorry, i cant let u wantch tv right now. we have decided over evening program.
daughter: no, i want it now....cry...cry...cry
mom: u looked bored, shall we go out to the shop.
daughter: No , i want TV.
mom: I am so sorry. U looked so much mored and frustrated.
daughter: cry....yes.....and i want to wach tv...cry...shout...cry.....
mom: sorry darling, I am going out to the shop, do u want to come...
daughter: no.
mom: ok. i am getting ready. I must go.
I got ready. she had thrown all the clothes from cupboard by this time.
i saw the mess, but i decided to lie low.....that wasnt so much important to me at that time.
mom: would u like to come now. I am almost ready....
daughter: yes.
mom: then brush ur teeth and take bath.
daughter: No.
mom: ok, u r still feeling uncomfortable. comeon, then, get ready n wear clothes.
daughter: no, I want to wear this .
mom: but its too cold outside.
daughter: i dont want to change.
mom: ok. lets go n stand in balcony for 5-10 mins....and then u decide what u want to wear.
daughter: ok.
initially she denied that she is feeling cold, but after 5 mins, she coiuld feel it.
mom: if u r feeling cold, we can go inside and wear winter clothes.
daughter: we will go inside.
mom: so shall i give another clothes
daughter: no, i will wear sweater on these clothes itself.
mom: ok.
we got ready in the night dress itself, wearing pullover and jacket on it.
now we are the door, then i remembered, i must make her ready for next situation as what she can expect in the shop.
mom: Now tell me, what are you going to buy in the shop.
daughter: chips
mom: ok. and I am going to buy curd n potatoes.
daughter: and chocolates too...
mom; ok, I will add this to my list too. anything else?
daughter: no.
we went to the shop, bought curd, potatoes, chip and chocolates, then she saw biscuits.
daughter: i want biscuits.
mom: no, we have decided to buy chocolate and chips
daughter: I want biscuits
mom: ok, then u can keep chips back and take biscuits.
daughter: no, i want chips. I dont want chocolate.
mom: ok.
came home. no lunch, she ate biscuits and lil bit of chips.
then we played for some time, she taking lead.
next day
mom: dear get up, papa going to office, he can drop u on the way to kindergarten.
daughter: no , i dont want to go.
mom: u may want to think over again, today i may not able to play with u. I have got some other work to do.
daughter: ok, i will go. got ready and went to kindergarten.
I went to pick her up, she showed me her painting. again wasnt ready to come back though. Her teacher interefered, explained her that its time to go home. and then she was ready...first time, we came home without crying......
there were few days falling back to the same thing, and things got settled after a month.
U may think, that I am crazy mom and have lot of free time.
but i guess, this time spent was worth, to reduce the pain and time wasted in future . :)
there are few points, u must be wonderign abt...like why did i allow her to change things to buy, why did i allow her not to brush teeth, isnt it important.
yes, all that is important and I am going to be firm on these things in future but i have set priorities, what i wanted most that time was getting her comfort level and these small small things, can be corrected later, one by one during course of time. I didnt want too many changes, too many behavior corrections , rather i didnt want to do any behavior corrections that point of time
decide, whats most important, and save ur energy on the route cause of the problem rather than spending it on every small thing.
In all this what i learned , which i had actually read but used it , is: she didnt need any solution, what she wanted was to become aware of her feelings, acceptance for them and little time.
She found her friends down the line on her own, she could enjoy coming back home in the bus, i didnt had to do anything....what i had to do was , not to add to the problem with my disciplinary strategies, she herself corrected her behavior after her anxiety;s came down. I never taught her how to behave.
things to learn:
accept feelings and intensions even though u dont agree to the behavior.
prepare them beforehand, what to expect.
respect them.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
parenting made simpler..
You must have read lot of articles on parenting by this time....when u find this blog...
my experience with kids and other parents says: when one is runing out of patience , and stressed out with things around, and on top of it, when kid is behaving just as kid rather than understanding adult, all that u have read goes into air........
My aim is to work on practical examples, real life experiences and applying parenting skills successfully...I do not wish to discuss just the theory.......I wish to come up with everyday experiences....and sharing our wisdom, how we would have handles a parituclr situation that we come across in day to day life.....Lets share our wisdom, experiences and learnings.....
And last but not the least : I have seen many parents , including mine, questioning me, whats wrong with the parenting that we have got, and we have turned out every well.....our parents did not need to read, they just used their instincts......
and let me tell all my friends out there : Our ancestors, didnt need any technological that we are having today for delivering baby. Our ancestors did not need any business schools that are run today to do any kind of business. And they have still succeeded. But the world has changes, needs have changed, the challenges that our children are going to face are changed ...and hence some change in inevitable in our style of parenting.....
and it isnt the end point of journey, what u become at the age of 30 that matters....the journey of our childhood through out infancy, toddler years , school years and college years....everything matters...
and let make it clear, I am not suggesting here to make life simpler for kids, avoid all obstacles and failures in their path......what I want to suggest is , give the kid capability of learning from those experiences in his life, bounce back again and lead to his/her desired victory.....after all, as I said, its not just the end but the whole journey which counts......
hope to hear from all of u soon...
Kirti
my experience with kids and other parents says: when one is runing out of patience , and stressed out with things around, and on top of it, when kid is behaving just as kid rather than understanding adult, all that u have read goes into air........
My aim is to work on practical examples, real life experiences and applying parenting skills successfully...I do not wish to discuss just the theory.......I wish to come up with everyday experiences....and sharing our wisdom, how we would have handles a parituclr situation that we come across in day to day life.....Lets share our wisdom, experiences and learnings.....
And last but not the least : I have seen many parents , including mine, questioning me, whats wrong with the parenting that we have got, and we have turned out every well.....our parents did not need to read, they just used their instincts......
and let me tell all my friends out there : Our ancestors, didnt need any technological that we are having today for delivering baby. Our ancestors did not need any business schools that are run today to do any kind of business. And they have still succeeded. But the world has changes, needs have changed, the challenges that our children are going to face are changed ...and hence some change in inevitable in our style of parenting.....
and it isnt the end point of journey, what u become at the age of 30 that matters....the journey of our childhood through out infancy, toddler years , school years and college years....everything matters...
and let make it clear, I am not suggesting here to make life simpler for kids, avoid all obstacles and failures in their path......what I want to suggest is , give the kid capability of learning from those experiences in his life, bounce back again and lead to his/her desired victory.....after all, as I said, its not just the end but the whole journey which counts......
hope to hear from all of u soon...
Kirti
Cooperating with kids
If there is worst job to do and worst experiences for the kids, it is discipline....
What I am going to say, many of you may contradict.....but still read on. I have purposefully names it as cooperating with kids rather than discipline and getting kids to cooperate..hi
Isnt it easier to cooperate with others rather than trying to discipline....or getting them to cooperate with us.....
think over this.....beasue first step towards parenting :
Being relaxed........One cannot perform his/her best unless he is relaxed, open for thinking, open for understanding
other thing to keep in mind is : Whatever kids do, they have a reason for that. No kid does somehthing just to irritate parent. It has some connection with his feelings and choices.
Hence if kid is misbehaving, thats the time, he/she needs most of your love.
Are things looking upside down.....and yes, I mean that. We need to change the approach completely.
Now, I will first give examples, that occur with my daughter, both type, where I fail to cooperate and where I succeed in cooperating. And you are free to choose to think and learn from them as you want.
Coming up with real experiences n situations soon....
Kirti
What I am going to say, many of you may contradict.....but still read on. I have purposefully names it as cooperating with kids rather than discipline and getting kids to cooperate..hi
Isnt it easier to cooperate with others rather than trying to discipline....or getting them to cooperate with us.....
think over this.....beasue first step towards parenting :
Being relaxed........One cannot perform his/her best unless he is relaxed, open for thinking, open for understanding
other thing to keep in mind is : Whatever kids do, they have a reason for that. No kid does somehthing just to irritate parent. It has some connection with his feelings and choices.
Hence if kid is misbehaving, thats the time, he/she needs most of your love.
Are things looking upside down.....and yes, I mean that. We need to change the approach completely.
Now, I will first give examples, that occur with my daughter, both type, where I fail to cooperate and where I succeed in cooperating. And you are free to choose to think and learn from them as you want.
Coming up with real experiences n situations soon....
Kirti
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